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First of all, I’m so sorry for uploading so little posts this week. I intended to upload a lot, because I have a lot of ideas which I want to push furder. But some things in my life are actually developing themselves faster then I expected. So there was not much time left to fill my blog with new posts.

But what I wanted to write about today…
Yesterday I brought my mom to the airport. She is leaving for 10 days to Romania to  help a lot of poor people over there. She has her own foundation for over 20 years now and she is the head volunteer of it. So you would believe I’m quite used to bring her to the airport and say goodbye. But frankly, this is complete nonsense. Every time she is walking away and waves at me, I find myself standing there with tears in my eyes and an awfull pain in my heart. I suck in saying goodbye. And this is not only with my mom…

There were times I thought I was crazy. But nowadays I believe I have two total different characteristics and sometimes they are clashing with each other. There’s the adventurous part of me and there’s the stay-at-home, comfy part of me. There are days I wanna travell the whole world and nothing is too crazy. And there are days I am sitting on the couch the whole day and making brownies for all my family and bringing the brownies to my friends the day afterwards.. Yes, I can almost hear you thinking: ‘old boring housewife..’ Yes and to be honest, sometimes I really am one. I love reading a book while I’m drinking hot chocolate and cuddle with my dog, for example. But the next day can be completely different and then I just take the train to leave to Antwerp or Paris, because I feel like doing it (and I hear you thinking again..that’s not far, but well..if I would have the money I would probably find myself some other, further destination..).

So yesterday I was crying about my mom leaving town for 10 days. And today I’m thinking about going to Bali for half a year. Competely crazy, you probably think, and yes..it’s kind of weird I guess.

But I already knew I was kind of crazy, that was not the point I wanted to make here. The point I wanted to make is that I can be as adventurous as someone probably can be and I can have dreams to go to Iceland and India, but the problem that always arise is that I totally suck in saying goodbye. Whether it’s saying goodbye to my mom, or saying goodbye to a friend I was with the last three days; I am seriously always standing there, waving them goodbye having tears in my eyes and thinking about all the nice things we have done together in the past. And every time I capture this behaviour I count myself to the retarded ones. Why am I behaving like this?

So, you already know I’m a thinker, or better said, a dreamer.. So ofcourse I started thinking about this behaviour. I played for my own psychologist this time..again. I think it al started in my childhood (ofcourse..where else?). When my mom went to Romania, she always filled a huge linen bag with presents and I was allowed to pick one for every day she was gone. I realize at this point, she corrupted me. But instead of feeling better because of the presents, I felt horrible every day, because every present reminded me of the fact my mom left home and me.. (well that’s how I felt it when I was a little kid) So when I had a sleepover party when I was in my early teens, I was extremely suffering from homesickness too. But that al changed when I started dating my first real boyfriend. After a few months I was sleeping there almost every week-end and there was no track of homesickness to find at me then. But there is a rule that says that every problem appears in different ways in different states of your life. And that’s a truism. Every time my ex-boyfriend was gone for a few days I missed him like crazy. So when we broke up (20 times I guess? Teen relationships…) I felt unbelievably sad. But thank God also that feeling vanished after a while and I thought the cozy caring woman in me disappeared; and to be honest I was very happy with that thought!

But now I realize that this thought was as untrue as it could have been. I still have problems deeling with saying goodbye to everything and everyone in my life. Whether it’s a friendship that fails or a place I am leaving, I always feel sad. And that’s probably the reason sometimes I find it hard to put an end to some of the vicious circles I am in. It doesn’t matter how adventurous I am, how many countries I am going to visit and how many mountains I wanna climb, I always stay that little caring homy girl too. And sometimes it’s extremely helpfull to have this characteristic, but at this point in my life it’s a huge obstacle which is closing the door on me developing some important things.

I am still the little caring homy girl, but I’m also adventurous and ambitious. So let’s look at the bright side now. I have to break through that fear of saying goodbye to situations, people and things, because I wanna make my dreams come true instead of the dreams just staying dreams. And some other good thing about doing this? At the end I am able to say: ‘hey, when I was saying goodbye, I actually build another lovely cozy home myself!’ And I will find myself being happy with it…